Prose

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Written by: James Alexander

Category: Prose

Created: August 16, 2010, 8:52 am

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Blaine began his lecture with a proclamation, “Vampires suck!” he slurred as he took another swig from his bottle: a forty ounce of liquor, he was like a bum that way, “But that’s just the first reason we kill those fanged bastards! They prey on the weak, stalk the shadows and inspire very annoying romance fiction.”

            Michelle wasn’t impressed. This is what I get for looking up vampire hunting instructors on Craigslist, she thought. They were in his backyard, with a teenage vampire chained to a tree, struggling, but they were silver chains, even if the large oak shaded out the sun, the silver would weaken him and burn against his pale skin.

            Michelle -who was barely eighteen herself- cleared the mist from her glasses and stretched. The training session had lasted the entire night, and they weren’t even half finished. She wanted to leave, badly. But as much as she hated this guy, she hated vampires even more. And sadly enough, he knew more about the trade than she did.

            According to his site, Robert Blaine was the “best damn vampire hunting instructor in the Triangle.” He was also the only one. He was in his mid-thirties, pudgy and wore a shaggy blond beard and mullet. 

            “So let me get this straight.” She said plainly, “We spent the entire night prowling bars, looking for vampires, but you had one here the whole time?”

            Blaine stared at her cross-eyed, “Duh” he belched. “I wouldn’t dare send a newbie against a vampire at night. That would be irresponsible.”

            They watched as the vampire struggled against his chains. He was shirtless and sweating, his gelled up hair grew wild. There was a rage in his eyes that was almost animalistic.

            “Now look Ms. Summers, if you want to hunt the undead,” Blaine explained, he slouched around and wobbled as he spoke, like his world was twirling or he wasn’t completely there. “You must first learn a complicated series of convoluted vampire rules.”

            Michelle’s hands were folded up. “I already know the basics” she said “like the fact that sunlight doesn’t kill vampires, it’s a myth they propagate to confuse the public.”

            “Well, if you are so smart then, what is our advantage in hunting vampires in the daylight?”

            She started to say something. But Blaine held up one finger and talked over her.

            “Because vampires sparkle in the sunlight dummy,” He said “It makes them easier to spot!”

            This is what I get for using Craigslist, she thought. Michelle steeled herself, took a deep breath, and spoke slowly. “Vampires do not sparkle!” she said. “UV light drains them. It’s like vampire kryptonite. They are weaker than humans in the sunlight. But they have super strength and agility as long as they aren’t tanning.”

            “I knew that silly!” Blaine belched “I was just testing you.”

            In a flash, the teenage vampire broke free from his chains, leapt straight for Blaine and slammed him to the ground in a vicious throttle. Vampires may have super strength and speed. But this one was too slow. For a just a moment, Blaine seemed to awake with purpose, he rammed a stake through his chest and rolled the vampire off of him. With blood plastered cross his clothes and face, Blaine got up panting and took another swig from his bottle.

            Michelle kicked over the vampire’s body, it hadn’t bitten Blaine, but its mouth was covered in blood. She saw a dead squirrel nearby. He’d probably eaten the thing while they were arguing, garnering just enough strength for a desperate escape.

            “Now,” Blaine said catching his breath, “Would you like to explain why Edward Cullen here is not dead yet.”

            Dead vampires exploded. This one was coughing blood. He was too weak to move. It only took a second of inspection. She rolled her eyes. “You stabbed him on the wrong side!”

            Blaine rubbed the back of his head. “It’s easy to get that mixed up in the heat of the moment. His left, your left, either way it’s good for training.”

            Michelle took the bandanna she was wearing and gagged the vampire with it. Now that he couldn’t scream, she ripped silver stake from his chest, and corrected her teacher’s mistake.