How are you? Fine. Sure, you're fine, a pitiful piece of you just came as a fleeting family member left but you're fine. You just lost a competition you've been work towards for months but you're fine.
You know that your successes are not final and your failures are not fatal. But doesn’t it sometimes feel like your successes are fatal and your failures are finale? But you hide these thoughts behind the most hurtful, and hollow mask that you can wear, you say that you are fine. Because making people uncomfortable by troubling them with your idiotic complaining is of no use, you are fine. Of all of the beautiful complexities that you could be you believe that you are fine, have to be fine. Because no one is allowed to know that you aren’t.
You started to think about who you are inside and you decide you don't want to hide anymore, but remember that you wouldn't want to be too dramatic, so you choose to be fine. Choose to be threatened when someone calls you beautiful. Too afraid to let out yourself, to be more than a book on a shelf simply waiting to be opened. You won’t let your itch be scratched because you’re too afraid to catch the disease of the sentimental. You’re fine.
You thought about hurting yourself last night, you brought those thoughts like knives up to your skin but stopped when you realized that people would see the marks, that they might overreact, only other people do things like that, not you. You wouldn’t want to give everyone else a chance to ask you the questions that no one want answers to. You’re fine.
We say life's a roller coaster, it has its ups and downs but when you ride one you're only really there for the downs. They excite you, make you feel alive, and don’t judge you when you scream. But when you aren't there for anything and you're just sitting in your cart gliding on the smooth, flat tracks, not knowing where you're going or what's in front of you or behind you and you want to know what is going on but you can't ask and you wouldn't want “what it's like to be depressed” to come up on your search history. So shut your eyes and close your mouth and be fine. `
Instead of using big, bold, beautiful words that hurt and help you through, you choose to use words like fine. You choose to put on your lipstick in a shade that someone else made and now your hide behind and let embody your personality. There are seven color options too choose from to define your individuality: Charisma, Bubbly, Passionate, Driven, Charming, Brilliance, or Illustrious. Which one will you choose? Here’s a hint: They are ALL shades of pink, they let you think that you are original while safely setting you into a box with everyone else. To you, they are all average, all fine. You put one on anyway. To cover the fact that you are not holding up you let yourself fall into a deep abyss that you cannot climb out of. So you leave to go dig your own grave, not forgetting first to put on the makeup for your corpse. Because you just gave yourself a shovel to dig deep and then deeper into the dirt that is their questions, and your response is fine. It’ll do just fine. You can't let yourself not be fine. You are not passionate, or distraught, or hurt, or falling into a million tiny pieces. You put on Charisma today, a soft, clear, shiny orange color pursing your lips into a slight smile that hides what is beneath. Today you are fine.
But I can read right through that bullshit and though I won't ask it, I will let us sit, knowing that we are both double-crossing each other. But if stop lying to my face, I could put you in your place, and you could not be fine. You could stop being a water strider, simply floating along the surface never letting yourself be fully submerged because you're too caught up in yourself that you can't just be another complex and insane person like everyone else. You are black and white, easy to read easy to write so that no one will know that you are really not OK. So chill out, relax, keep gliding, you’re fine.
