In the dead of this night, the silence crawls. It is so creepily slow. I lay motionless. The fan whirs faintly as I focus on my breathing only to be greeted with much distraction. My insides are so weary. I try not to allow my weak spirit to give up this ceaseless toil with Wakefulness. My mind seems to laugh in defence. She knows it's another night of victory. My eyelids surrender to the pangs of pain. Alas, I drift. Hopefully into some REM sleep. God forbid.
My anxiety holds me ransom. I am paralysed in sleep. Each day is a longdrawn battle to calm down. It is quite breathtaking. I almost called it quits many a time. But see? It's going to be yet another day. A gift. I try. I do. Hope is always aside to assist me.
The dozens of dragons come to rob me of my achievements of the day. I sway away. They have taken form. Dragraine is his name. Mighty as he seems I will not stop fighting him. I battle him with ponstan but this time, to no avail. Just as a twist of fate might have it, my tiredness got the better of me and I laid, slain and beaten. I may have lost but I took my stride and rested. And slept for what seemed like a thousand years. Dragraine would not relent. This fight is yet to end. Its outcome unknown. But I am bent on finishing it with Arthur's sword. Wounded but yet to be defeated.
Disdained I lay. Yet another day. Much to feel and fill. I trudge on the trail to work again. Pitch dark like the night, the dawn of day. I stay focused. Funny how this day seems. Happy one moment. Stressed out the next. Anxiety grips me and I know not my name. And yet, when I take deep breaths and keep abreast the stake of the day, everything subsides and recedes to nothingness, evenly tide. I cannot understand this, can you? I reflect deeply and realise it's possibly just me and my demons. They are there and yet invisible. Some days I make them out for gripes and stripes. Other days, they don't touch me at all. I try to enjoy the here and now. To be whole. There is a void of some sort.
Real as life may seem, here I am, like a dream. Some days I cull 'dragons' and resume my job as Slayer of the Slain. Wherefore is this heading? I have no regrets now that I have fully lived. I feel great. Ebullient, is the word. Often times the sea waves calm and take me far away to Nowhere Land. I want to reside there away from this clutter till I find Me again. Perhaps it is a luxury of thoughts but most certainly not, a non-issue by the uncaring.
So where to now? Be still. Is this a state or is it my fate? It is strange that today went so well. I have absolutely no clue what I have done to make it so plain sailing. By all standards, nothing has changed but I. This realization is gripping. It has been like this for some years now. Awareness can set me aflame or put things asunder. Somehow I feel lipid. I can hardly describe the goings-on in words. It is crazy living in my head; somewhat surreality springs forth a fountain of slush and stuff that covets my being. It is most irksome to awaken to the full knowledge that time is lost. Gone forever. If given a choice, I would cherish my time more. Where there is gain, surely there must be pain. Alas. I am Pain. A destiny of sorts.
My name is Pain
- Written by: Zany Lynn
- Category: Articles, Essays & First Person Journalism
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