I’ve kept you on the shelf were the morning sun hit against your purple polished cover. You were new and strange... So fascinating. You were full of hundreds of blank pages and they were just for me. At first I carefully held you and admired your rare look. Until I press down on your open spine with my large fingers clicking my again-again-again- again and again. I wanted to write in you... but not until I earn trust with myself.
It's taken me so long but I've collected my courage and I've gathered my words to write you, “Hello I'm Ariana.” Simple as it seems but it was really difficult for me. Because what now? Because I prepared myself for the introduction without giving equal focus on what to do next! Because it was perfection until the silence settled in.
The uninvited silence that makes you wish for the comfort of your mother-the image of your home. The silence that captures your breath and steals your heart. The silence that drags time like how it drags the dagger to impale your mind to work. It was silent until you said hello and introduce yourself. You melodic voice asked me to write about anything. Grinning from ear-to-ear I snatched my pen and wrote my full name and age. I wrote down my race and the date of my birth. I wrote my hobbies and the places I've been and I wrote who I’d like to be. I wrote to the words became one on the last line. My final word wasn't a goodbye because you would be here tomorrow.
Remember that time when I wrote a paragraph on my dreams of being a singer. Well of course that time was only from the other day but it's a memory that feels as if I've owned forever. Forever. I want to spend forever with you. I don't ever want our time to come to an end. I don't want no morning or night to separate us our eternity will consists of billions of stars in the sky with a cool breeze that dances with our laughter.
love the sound of your laughter! I've already written pages about it and about your sweet smile and your welcoming eyes...
Diary you're becoming wrinkled and bent and that's got me wondering on how long it's really been. I just got so lost and caught up when we are together. Diary your pages are much less and I'm beginning to question if there is a forever. What will happen to our forever? How long do we have before we crumble like sandcastles? I don't know why but the tired look you wear has me uneasy. I wish that I didn't take notice of these things. Why can't I be more oblivious? I'm being quite pessimistic with the time that we have left-am I using it right? My intentions are to treating you right. So...if we end this now maybe the sooner we will feel better. It’s going to be alright because your place is by my side as I sleep.
As I sleep I toss and turn only wanting to get comfortable. So I'm not aware of how far I push you to the edge but then again it's my bad. With the mornings already being extremely tight I don't have enough time not even a second to pick you up and place you back but instead give a little shove with my foot and I'm out the door and I'm gone for hours. And when I'm back you seem a little further back than before.
I miss our time spent with one another, where we dedicated each and every hour to each other. I'm unable to read your face. Nothing is there, nothing is showing. It's all blank. I wonder what's going on in your mind and and I wonder how we could have lost so much time. How have we become so distant and I'm hesitant on whether I should reach out before we crumble like the sand castles we built.
I have other priorities... You have other priorities. It seems rude that I'm coming to you out of the blue but we both become extremely busy. Wouldn't you rather be happy separately then stuck miserably in a degrading relationship? And for what? To prove that we are best friends forever or are you not wanting to break the promises that we made? Because right now your loyalty to me doesn't matter.
Remember how I spent months neglecting you? Then out of nowhere I wrote to you because I was so stressed and I needed to rant -you were all I had left and I knew that you would listen.
I didn't see that I was being so mean until your pages were ripped clean from your spine! I didn't realize until I crumble you up and discarded your pieces underneath my sheets! Believe me I was so sorry... I am sorry.
You were just telling me lies but said it was advice. You were telling me things that I didn't want to hear. What I'm telling you now is that I already knew and that I did listen. And in that moment I was just so... scared that crying out anything instead of accepting the truth would let me hold on to you. Even though I burned down the bridges and telling you that it was for the best- telling you it was for us, but you knew it was for me.
I need you here.Here. Not on my shelf were your purple cover hit the sun - not where I discarded you underneath my sheets. Or in my closet or in n my bins mixed with my other diaries.
My diary that is as green as the summer leaves. And one that's as pink as your cheeks and a heavy blue like that dark night that I ruined you.
Dear friend, I ruined you, so of course I understand if you never want to see me again. But with your wrinkled pages and with your torn edges can you keep us?