I come through the door, covered in germs that are not so isolated anymore.
I strip off my clothes, careful not to splash the cooties anywhere.
And I start running a hot bath.
I look at my bathroom.
The tub in particular, grimey after 3 months of only one salary, and I think of how my landlord, wants to raise the rent.
Not by much.
$40 bucks.
He even has a legit reason, the electric is going up.
And I think of how much I want to quit my job. I wish I could go back to school. For something I want to do.
But this weekend my husband and I will BOTH have a paycheck. Enough to buy Comet.
So I can clean my fucking tub.
So I think I will go to work today.
I think about how sometimes I can only fill my tub halfway with hot water…
And I wonder what it would cost me, to get a WHOLE hot ass bath.
I run the water and climb in. And shave my legs with my last!... fifty cent razor. Long steady stokes, slightly burning with each pull.
Mowing my too long, coarse, leg hair down, as if I was mowing the lawn. But with a shitty mower. Not one of those sit and mow thingies.
Fucking fifty cent razor.
Payday I’ll be able to get a better razor. I can shave in a nice scrubbed tub.
I’m going to work today.
I think to myself that I’m really tired and just a little bit homesick, but I’m really here in my tub… in the place I’ve wanted to be… and that the sky can be the limit.
Of how last night… the sunset from the bus station was spiritual.
And I got to see it.
The whole sky lit up, airplanes dashing through purple euphoria… blocked only by buzzing electrical lines… and swaying palm trees.
And I will always be certain I pinched myself to make sure I was really there.
I’m fucking going to work today.
I wash the stink out of my feet. Twelve hour sweat.
Eww.
I throw shampoo on my head… but not too much!... because after all… I do have to make it last until Friday.
And it’s only Monday.
And I have to share a quarter of a bottle of shampoo with my daughter til then…
But I get a nice lather going and am thankful that I’m home and clean.
I lay back in the tub and think about how we will be able to buy a bed and maybe even a car… in a few months’ time.
About how I’ve been given the opportunity to live my life freely and to make decisions based on my intuition…
How I will have to work even harder to get to where I want to be.
How I will have to start from behind, catch up, pull ahead and stay there.
How my made decisions today, affect every tomorrow.
How my mistakes have molded my yesterdays.
Yeah I’m pretty sure I’m going to have to go to work today.
My Mom tells me I can be smart.
Even though that doesn’t sound so smart.
I know smart people. And I’m not them.
But I figure… I could be smart. Smart enough to figure out something smart to do with my life.
So yeah… I’m thinking I’ll show up for work today.
I rinse my hair, then wash my pits really good! Because I have been running all night and I smell like old man pee.
I drain the tub…
And dry off with my last clean towel and realize I’ll have to do one last load of laundry with dish soap before payday.
I brush my teeth and wish I had a cigarette.
I really don’t want to go back to work in less than 12 hours. I’m burnt out and I know it.
I think again about what I want to be when I grow up. How I don’t want to be wiping ass and pouring my heart out every night for the rest of my life.
Shit! I know I’m not going to be able to sleep…
Where’s my PM?
My daughter’s at school today and I am thankful to have the air bed all to myself…
I envision my dream bed…
Queen Size platform bed, island style! With a pretty dark oak stain. Low to the ground, but with storage space underneath… I even know where I want to buy it from! No box spring, only a pillow top mattress…
And nice cool white cotton sheets.
Ones that will look pretty, and smell good while hanging out to dry on the clothesline.
Yep…
For sure…
I’m going to work today.
