January Went Lost
January wasn't named after the first month of the year or the month she was born in she was an orphan and God knows who named her January. In fact ironically she was born in February and the idea that someone had named her
January while she had been drunk and thinking it was January though it had been February irritated her almost twice a week. Once, every Saturday when her New Writing magazine subscription of the week would arrive and the second time when her credit card receipt was being signed by her and she, in order to scratch her soul more, would sign her name backwards: tnuH yraunaJ. January Hunt looked like Tom Cruise and Adam Lambert's imaginary love child. A combination of charm and glamour and she didn't know it. Her self-esteem was consumed by snobby magazine editors, the ones who reject young writers’ works politely and her eyes' glitter was stoned away by the world. January was not a lucky person, not from the beginning.
"Ignition." Whinny said.
"Yes, as an ignition system. Thanks Whin."
"It's Whinny." He frowned and turned away from Tobey who was still struggling with his crosswords puzzle. He was wearing his weird amber-rimmed glasses and almost didn't notice Whinny's dissing look that showed nothing but the fact that he was almost illiterate.
January put her pen down on her notepad and listened to the sound in her head: “Whinny, January.” “Whinny, January”. Why had she picked a name with a same rhyme as her own for a character that she doesn't like in the story? But this one was easy: she didn't love herself like she had to. She never had hated her body or her inner self but she had not loved herself either. She scratched her arm and grabbed the phone. Another pizza order for her brain cells, at least she loved those little guys up there. Someone had to pay the bills!
"Try the right one." Whinny said to Tobey.
"I've tried that already." Tobey said hysterically.
"Lavender will love you even more." Whinny said with a smug smile on his face. "Why don't you taste a bit of the forbidden fruit?" Tobey asked with a poker face. "She's not my type." He said frowning. "She better be, she's stuck to me man. I can't even breathe sometimes." Tobey showed some Bart-getting killed-by-Homer Simpson face.
"Try this one." whinny handed him a pair of Ray ban glasses. They looked good on Tobey, they matched his blonde-red hair. "That's perfect!" Tobey shouted hugging Whinny tight, thinking how lovely he smelled and how good his body felt.
"I love you Tobias." Lavender said softly, touching his crotch. It was warm and soft, not as she expected to be. She gazed into Tobey's eyes, Tobey knew that devastated look and freaked out when saw it in her eyes. "Love, I'm sorry." he gently pulled her fingers away and kissed them, one by one. Lavender was still having that blank shallow look. "What do you see when you look at me?" She asked in a serious voice.
"A straight girl, looking for love in a wrong..." He wasn't sure if he really wanted to reject her that way. She could be a backup plan; she was available, vulnerable and lovesick. But that was not the type of guy Tobey was. It was just a temporary phase he was getting through. "With no sex for over a year, first you start to hate porn, and then you start falling in love with every boy who shows a little bit of attention and the next you know you end up in bed with a chick, giving orgasm rather than getting any." Tobey thought. He was still in the second phase so no worries for the rest of the month, he could find a descent guy to sleep with and they would kiss goodbye like lovers do and never see each other after the inglorious one night stand. He would walk the hall of shame down to Lavender's house the next morning and sip down the Turkish coffee she would make.” The thought itself soothed his nerves let alone the whole real thing.
"Place. In the wrong place." she said in a dangerously calm voice and left, slamming the door behind, leaving Tobey floating in his childish dreams.
'The prick has Peter pan disorder.' she shouted inside and let it out as a smile.
January wasn't happy for Lavender; she was a girl for god’s sake and were supposed to defend women. But she had always been an anti-feminist. Feminism sounded cheap to her, not a glorious label to wear.
And Lavender was not a glorious girl either. She was mean, Jealous and selfish. Not an appropriate one to defend!
She finished her last piece of pizza and started whispering a song she had heard from her iPhone radio, what was its name? "Love is a matter of distance", yes. That was the name of the song. That was Jan's problem too. She needed someone to love but he seemed so far away, whoever he was. He must be a time traveler or a something, someone unreachable and selfish enough to give her some space for her mind- driven day dreams. What if she could live in a big house with lots of people, like The Big Brother series on TV? She could find someone to love or be loved by someone. It was always like this for her: love or be loved. Unrequited love was her type of love. She felt over loaded with thoughts so she just closed her eyes and fell asleep.
"Am I dead?" January whispered with a lot of effort. "Who the hell are you?" she asked from the only person in the room. "You're feeling better Jan?" The girl asked back. January was Feeling angry and
exhausted so she just quit being polite and asked "how do you know my fucking name? Where the fuck am I?"
"You're in my house. I'm lavender by the way."
She looked like Lavender, had that same sarcastic tone in her voice and it all freaked her out. Was it a dream? Was she in a mental hospital or something? She moved her hands and legs just to make sure she wasn't locked, what she didn't see on her wrists and felt in her arms shocked her. She wasn't in a psychiatric ward of an institution, she wasn't dead. She was inside her head, face to face with Lavender! She was in her parallel world but was afraid of admitting it to herself.
"Drink this, you need it." A guy who looked like and even smiled like Tobey was offering her whiskey! Who the hell he thought he was? A doctor?
"I so can't believe this." He said, swinging his glass between his fingers. "I feel like I know you."
"Well, to be honest, I wrote you. I created you." January clinched her nails, ready to kill the cute guy. She always had this love/hate thing for cute guys.
"I was created by an attempt to get revenge from the person who abandoned my mother after marrying her." Tobey said with an even cuter smile. January already knew it; Tobey was raised by a lonely and depressed mother; an asexual with bipolar disorder, a disease with hidden signs and loud darkness. An illness with nothing that a lonely 7-year-old Tobey could handle but Tobey had handled everything. He had lived with his manic mother until the day she died and that day was a brand new day for Tobey. "I'm so done with complications and you seem to be nice, mm?” She didn't really know what to call him. "Tobias. But please call me Tobey." He smiled again. January blinked three times with long pause after each one and almost fainted. Tobey rushed and caught her before she made any scene. "What's wrong honey?" he said with his brows pulled together. January saw the serious look on his face and remembered how similar his imagination of Tobey was with the fake reality of his face and moves. Why was all this so scary and comforting at the same time? It felt like home, "I've got pieces of me here." January thought but she was lost all of a sudden, like she was drowned in another world. "Tobey? What happened to her?" Lavender panicked. "She's back to reality!" Whinny's voice echoed in the room, he was here and January was not.
It took a day until January came back again. She looked happy and no one wanted to ruin her day so no one really asked anything but everyone seemed to be afraid of this psychotic creature that was now among them. If it wasn't for her, they would have never even existed. Everyone was somehow excited besides Lavender. She didn't want her tiny little world to change that drastically overnight.
"Tobey?" asked Lavender. "What's happening?" She hugged him tight while he didn't expect it to happen. Tobey had given up his room to January for the night as she was pretty exhausted. "Come on Roomies,
I'll take care of you tonight."
Her body was begging for more but she knew he had lost it. "Tobey?" She put her head inside his neck and felt his hands inside her hair. "Do you hate me now?" she continued. “You know I love you, so why the hell do you ask?" he sounded grumpy.
"Will you stay in the room for a while?" she begged. "I'll stay as long as you want. Just let me see your goddamn face, I want to see your after-sex face."
"What the hell is an after-sex face?" She felt contemplated. "It's a gay thing, you wouldn't get it." He said, slowly pushing her aside. "Did you come?" She asked while he was scanning her face. "I did actually. That's exactly what's freaking me out." He got distracted when he realized he hadn't had his glasses on. He couldn't see her face right. Lavender realized how funny the situation was and let out a big belly laugh. "I could bet my soul I was gay!" He responded to her laugh. "You better off not seeing my face; it would freak you out, knowing you had fucked a girl." They both laughed this time and Lavender leaned and kissed his chin.
Whinny had never had a real conversation with Lavender after who knew how many years of living with her. Every time they were about to start to get closer she'd somehow back off and run away. Everyone knew she wasn't in love with him and that he was but there was nothing they could do about it as long as they were supposed to be that way or to better say, as long as January wanted them that way. But he blamed Tobey for being the love of Lav's life and the morning that he saw her face in the kitchen cuddled up in Tobey's he knew he wasn't going to be the same again.
"I slept with her."
"She doesn't like you." Tobey said with a faint smile on his lips.
"Jan I mean." He was busy with his files but his mind was in the room with Tobey.
"How could you do that?" Tobey shouted instantaneously.
"She wanted it, I promise." He muttered while giving him a quick laugh. Suddenly Tobey looked so buff to him, he sounded really dangerous too. "All of them want it when it comes to THAT! And that means you should do it? Fuck!" He started walking up and down the room. "You knew she's a schizophrenic." Tobey added. This one really flared Whinny. It was like setting him on fire.
"She is schizophrenic, I know; but that doesn't change the fact that she's a human and that she can decide for her life." he was still shuddering, Tobey noticed. "End of discussion!" He said just in case things were starting to get physical between them and stood up to go away. "I always thought you were more responsible than that. You're a surgeon." That almost killed Whinny. He always needed reliance and the good feeling that the fact that people trusted him always gave him but what Tobey said, it left him unguarded. He turned back and faced Tobey, he was glaring into his eyes, searching for some regret in them but what he saw wasn't even close. Whinny wasn't regretful, he wasn't even sorry or at least that was what Tobey saw.
Tomorrow morning was the first time they were having the breakfast all together. Tobey was tense, everyone could easily tell. Lavender was perplexed but January seemed to have the time of her life. The serious face belonged to Whinny, the man with the morning papers at the table each morning and that day wasn't an exception either.
Tobey was looking at every move he was making, catching every little bit of energy or signal he was sending away as always. He felt so tense though, everything was wrong now.
After having that semi-argument with Tobey and another night with January and her crazy energy, Whinny knew things were going to go wrong.
He wasn't the guy he was now and it was his own entire fault. The old days Tobey knew how to get into him, 'better than women' he thought. Maybe he was better off with Tobey, he was smart and helpful; the most dedicated to his job than any other waiter he knew! He had the quality of being a surgeon but he wasn't one. 'Why?' he thought out loud. "Why what?" January asked enthusiastically. Do you want some coffee? I'm going to Starbucks." no answer from Whinny. He was looking at her classic yellow notepad. "What are you writing?" He asked impatiently, not even paying attention to her broad smile which disappeared. "I'm writing." She said, getting back to her writings.
"You're writing our story?"
"You're kidding? No! Then it would become a diary and I hate diaries."
"I know." He remembered January's first draft of the story which had been started by the creepy "Dear Diary" and then a set of self- disapproving scribbles on the paper. That was when January first created Whinny; a self-centered bastard with charm and a smart ass. He was proud because he was the first one, then Lavender and the last one was Tobey; a gay waiter with wits and guts and of course, the looks. It wasn't like Whinny was jealous; it was that he could manage better with some model-face, just like Tobey. Tobey was into him though, he could tell; the way he looked at him or turn around to face him when he ever spoke. It was like a metal and a magnet, wherever he turned to, Tobey would move too. He had felt all these, had tasted them the past few days in January's head. He wasn't blind but he wasn't gay either.
January's nights were filled with sex and sleeplessness. She would go during the day and phase back at nights. Everyone seemed to be okay with that except Tobey; he needed to fix her as he had always done so for his mother.
"Jan I hate to be the one to tell the bad news but you're in your head!"
"You figured that all by yourself Tobey?"
"These are not real."
"That, I disagree."
"Jan!"
"Fuck you Tobias Hurtle! Now you're jealous that I'm screwing your imaginary boyfriend?"
"I'm just saying he's YOUR imaginary boyfriend."
"What's it to do with you?"
"You can't go and come like this forever."
"I can and I will. In fact you're goanna have me around much longer doctor Freud."
"Jan let me help. We will all help to get you out."
"You're missing the point here Tobey." she paused and blinked. "I don't want to be out."
"You have to." he grabbed her wrist.
"What the heck are you doing?"
"Isn't that what you want? Someone to fuck? Isn't that why you came down all for?" she could smell his aftershave, the one she had chosen herself after her own father's aftershave. She could feel his chests' heavy moves. He didn't kiss her, didn't even ripped her shirt apart. He just went straight for the jeans and though his room wasn't the right place to do it, he kept giving her what she didn't know if she needed or not. Tobey never stopped until he almost had a heart attack by Lavender's scream at the doorstep. She had tears in her eyes and Jan was already gone again.
Lavender took her shopping as she had promised but it didn't end up well because the early snow caught them by surprise and they returned empty handed. "Let’s go grab some dinner; I want to put on some weight."
Lavender said as they passed a cozy cafe'. "Really? Why?" January asked with her lack of sense of humor. "Guys around me don't seem to like me this way, I'm goanna turn into a Jay Lo." she replied bitterly and a quiet and embarrassed “Oh” was what she got from January. Lavender saw her blush and said "let's go Dutch! You won't be shy this way!" and took her hand and forced her into the cafe'.
They took a table at the corner of the cafe'. January was obviously sad because of Lavender's earlier comment on her, having sex with Tobey but Lavender wanted to make her happy and she didn't know why.
"Calm down, deep breath, there’s not a broken arm that can't be fixed. I’m going to help you get out of your misery." then she grabbed her purse, pulled out the gun and shot January right in the head. Blood splashed all over the cafe' and there were screaming people all around. She grabbed her bag, put her share of the dinner on the table and stepped out.
