Four friends are sitting in a car taking a road trip. They are driving along a plain Midwestern highway. They are in their mid-20s dressed casually and nothing seems out of the ordinary. However they are finishing up singing ‘Row row row your boat’ in a round. ALLEN is driving SCOTT is in the passenger seat, JAY is behind the driver, and IAN is behind the passenger. They are overly ecstatic, like children going to summer camp.
ALLEN
Row, row, row your boat…
SCOTT
{Simultaneously}
Gently down the stream…
And so on. Jay and Ian finish it up in the back.
JAY
Life is but a dream.
IAN
Life is but a dream.
ALLEN
{Intense excitement}
Yeah! Wooooo! I fuckin’ love that song!
SCOTT
That’s my shit!
IAN
Yeah! But it’s too bad you had to sell your radio to take this trip.
ALLEN
Yeah, but it’s totally worth it. Besides, who needs a radio when you can have … Tom Jones!
(cont’d)
{Breaks into song}
“It’s not unusual to be loved by anyone.”
JAY
{To IAN, whispering}
I love this song.
ALLEN
“It’s not unusual to have FUN with anyone”
{To FRIENDS}
That’s you guys. You’re the ‘anyone’ I’m having fun with.
JAY
Oh, I get it!
IAN
That’s clever.
Scott
I like that. That’s nice.
Suddenly, ALLEN slams on the brakes.
ALLEN
Oh, shit!
A MAN is standing in the middle of the road. HE is wearing tinted, circular sunglasses and wearing a brown trench coat. As ALLEN tries to swerve to avoid him, he loses control, and does three accidental doughnuts on the highway. THEY are all screaming in the car. They wind up facing the same direction again, with the man directly in front of them when ALLEN regains control of the car. THEY fix their hair and slowly pull up to the MAN. ALLEN rolls down his window.
ALLEN
Uh, excuse me… can I help you?
The MAN appears to be in his 40s. HE is incredibly stoic, and doesn’t respond at first. The MAN just stares at ALLEN with a slight frown.
Sir? Do you need help?
MAN
No! You need my help, to shed you of your physical husk…
The MAN has a slight, monotone accent, but it’s unrecognizable. HE licks his lips and twitches in between thoughts. Basically, he’s an obvious murderer.
ALLEN
Alright, well be careful out here.
ALLEN slowly begins to drive away.
MAN
Wait!
The MAN pulls a large knife out of his coat.
I could use … a lift…
ALLEN
{Casually}
Oh, okay, sure.
{To JAY}
Let’s make some room for this guy.
JAY steps out of the car and lets the MAN slowly step in. As THEY all sit in the car, the MAN sits in between IAN and JAY. THEY continue driving.
SCOTT
{To MAN}
So, what’s your name, buddy?
MAN
{Creepily}
Regis
SCOTT
Regis, eh? Well, that’s an interesting name. What are you doing way out here?
REGIS
I’m looking for the right vessel for my genetic experiment.
SCOTT
Hey, tell me about it!
{Chuckles}
You gotta do what you love. That’s why we’re taking this here trip. To where, boys?
JAY, IAN, and ALLEN
Korn Kountry!
SCOTT
Yeah! That’s right! We’re on our way to Korn Kountry. You know, that Amish theme park?
REGIS
I am familiar with it.
IAN
Oh, man. I’m gonna eat so much fuckin’ corn! I can’t wait!
JAY
I’m gonna ride the Barn Raiser!
REGIS
And what is that?
JAY
You help in a barn raising. It’s hard work.
ALLEN
It’s very rewarding.
The MAN pulls out his big knife again.
IAN
{Initial fear}
Whoa!
{Interested}
… That’s a nice lookin’ knife.
REGIS
I use it to teach young boys how to behave… and appreciate me.
IAN
Can I see?
IAN gestures to hold the knife. REGIS hands it to him, slowly. IAN is in awe, like a little boy with a new toy.
ALLEN
So, you’re a teacher? That’s cool. My mother was a teacher.
REGIS
{Emotionally distraught}
My mother was an assault rifle. At least, my father made me love it like a mother. If I didn’t kiss the rifle goodnight, he would dress my up like Shirley Temple and spank me, while singing “
SCOTT
Really? Man, times are changing.
JAY
Welcome to 2010.
ALLEN
Yeah, I mean, that’s cool. I’m a pretty open-minded guy.
REGIS
{Not as subtle}
I’ve opened a few minds … with my knife…
JAY
Yeah, sure, I’ve heard of that.
SCOTT
Yup, cutlery can be very enlightening.
IAN
My father was a whittler!
REGIS
{Breaking character, angrily}
Oh, come on! What is wrong with you guys?
There is a brief silence. The young men appear confused.
JAY
What do you mean?
REGIS
I mean, I’m clearly a murderer!
{Beat}
Can’t you see that?
SCOTT
Well, yeah, I knew that.
JAY
We just didn’t want to say anything, you know … labels.
ALLEN
Right, it’s just not polite.
SCOTT
When society starts telling people, ‘you’re this, you’re
(cont’d)
that’, nothing good comes of it.
ALLEN
{Casually}
Exactly, I mean I can empathize. We’re murderers, too. Right, Ian?
REGIS
{Dumbfounded, nervous}
Wh-what?
A confused REGIS darts his eyes at IAN, who is still holding REGIS’ knife. IAN brutally stabs REGIS in the center of his chest. HE wrenches the knife up and down inside REGIS’ ribcage. There is excessive blood, which spatters all over the car, and all over THEM. ALLEN, SCOTT, and JAY don’t bat an eye, staring straight forward, as if nothing is happening. THEY may even pick their teeth, check their watches, etc. REGIS is writhing and screaming in pain, which eventually calms down as he dies. REGIS’ body sits in the back seat between JAY, who’s trying to get a blood stain out of his jeans; and IAN, who’s wiping the blood from his eyes and mouth. There follows a long silence.
ALLEN
I hope the Haunted Hay Ride isn’t too scary … I get scared easy.
IAN
Ditto to that.
FADE TO BLACK.
