Why???
Why!?!
I think the universe
Is telling me
To fully become
A lesbian.
I'm so sick of this shit!
I want to make them all
Feel their crushing weight,
Laying on top of me
and loving me.
They don't even know me.
They never wanted to
And never even tried.
I don't think they
Even know how to...
Because that's just them.
So fuck my freedom
Right!?!
Fuck my voice.
It’s okay
Because that’s just them.
They're just men.
So I can’t and shouldn’t
Expect more.
It’d be too much of me to ask –
Too much to ask
To be seen.
I'm asking for abstract reality
To come first
In a completely unselfish way
To someone
For whom it comes naturally.
Could it ever?
Could you be
Without placation?
Could you be
Without just waiting
To get what you want?
Could he –
Could any of you
Ever be without
Counting the seconds
Until you’re acting
As if you never heard
Anything.
And over and over
Again,
Here’s another one acting
As if he heard nothing of me
At all.
Clarity smacks me
Hard with the truth
That you certainly –
You all
Certainly were not ever listening.
Did you even try to?
Do you know what that is?
Or how?
Is that what you thought,
Truly thought you were
Actually doing?
The whole time?
Is that what
Constitutes listening
To the entire lot of you!?!
I wanted to believe.
And it always seems – no,
It never seems he’s barely catching
My words
Like slippery, sliding fish.
He proudly shows them off
Attempting at proof
My meaning was caught.
But then,
I catch him.
He's throwing them –
Throwing those fish right back
Into the ocean.
I carry that ocean
On my back
Everyday.
And oh God,
The weight of them all –
All the ones who had me,
And the most of them did.
They all had my number,
Knew it by heart almost
At first sight.
And they kept calling,
Appeasing just to get
Another little piece of me.
I want to understand.
Oh, how I really do!
Because I am not okay,
And I can't be –
My mind won't let me be
Until it makes sense.
But I don’t hold hope,
Not anymore...
Can't childishly fool myself
Into believing it ever,
Ever will.
