'Unwanted' Ramblings.

'Unwanted' Ramblings.

I wonder why I am still alive.
Is it the air that I breathe?
Is it the routine?
The waking and the sleeping
The sleeping and the waking
Acting as no more than bookends
To the suffering between.

I wait for him.
I stay up late and I wait for him.
But he never comes.
And when I fall into sleeping,
When I close my eyes,
Drifting away, wishing away,
I know he is not there.
And in the morning when I wake up,
Open those eyes to be greeted by another day,
I am brought to my knees,
And the process begins again.

I do look for you.
I do not search, I merely keep an eye out for you,
Like a guardian in the shadows,
Not able to reveal himself for his shame.
He writes words instead.
He scribbles them upon walls,
And he hopes that she will see them,
but know that she won't.
He knows that she is that doubt beyond doubtful,
Yet deep inside he wishes she did.
He wishes she could.
He wished she had.

There is rain at my window now.
Tap tap tap, tapping away.
Does the world feel my pain?
Does the world know how I feel?
And is the night echoing my heavy heart?
I know it is no more that coincidence,
But still I wish for it to mean more.
So I pretend it does,
And it comforts me,
And I wanna go outside,
I wanna get naked and stand there,
With it dripping down my skin,
Tiny rivers like veins upon me,
As they trickle, little by little,
From my head to my feet.

It is that time now,
And he is not there,
He is not here,
He is still out there,
Waiting in the wings.
Silently I wish him forward,
But he does not hear,
He does not appear.
And so I go to my bed,
I lay my head down,
I close my eyes.
And rest into dreams.
And I sleep,
Whispering a silent pray,
Hoping this will be the end.