Fear I feel the time you have spent inside me held me stagnant through all these years I felt that you would protect me and keep safe from the cruel world by locking me in my own self-imprisonment yet still could not protect me from pain ridicule laughter feeling useless and worthless and has made me…weak I suppose I have a strong mind a great mind to be able to put on a façade of bravery and courage but with a weak heart that bravery and courage isn’t truly there so while I have convinced myself of this I still feel big not big in weight but big as in weighed down things building up inside of me until I can just explode
My fear has crippled me spiritually damaged me emotionally and tortured me mentally my mind body heart and soul feels like an elderly man crippled and in constant pain just shouting for death with whatever voice lives within the core of his being why feel so old why must I feel ready to die when I have lived for nothing
Why must I feel the hand of the grim reaper pulling me towards this fate of which I have not begun to prepare for and yet with such self hatred I have placed myself on a path of self destruction wanting death wanting pain wanting all I thought the world wanted of me I figure everyone else hates me why not hate me too after all I have accomplished nothing I walk as if I’m crippled think as if I’m impaired talk as if I’m stopping the true words from my heart which cries something I have yet to fathom and therefore catching my words in mid air as if I were throwing a football and immediately stopping it from reaching it’s destination
I have lived a life that is empty a life full of pain and cannot feel the void that may have put everything into perspective
No matter how hard you try to forget no matter how much time passes it is still there in your mind and it will always hurt because it can never go away no matter what the only way it leaves is through your life but will the pain end with my life maybe I wasn’t smart enough maybe I thought I had it figured it out because I felt so old I once believed I was 10,000 years old obviously wishful thinking because the older I was the closer to death I am
And I knew my life would turn out this way because I wasn’t strong enough to fix it but is it too late for me have I finally run to far to get home have I finally sealed my fate if so then let me die with some peace let me die with dignity let me die with the things I seldom have let me feel peace of mind and for once everything doesn’t matter it no longer must be a secret how much I hate myself and torture myself oh I so want to be alone and wither away in solitude feeding the fuel that lights the flame in my psyche which clouds my perception while it doesn’t go away I’m able to take it with a smile oh lord please let me die knowing there is another place where all my pain will be no more all that I should have known before be known all I should have seen be seen I would give anything to start my life over knowing then what I know now but maybe this is best maybe this has molded me into what I am what I should be maybe it is molding me into who I will be or am I molded into what I knew all along what I have always been please save me a spot with you for I am drowning I am dying I am tired and so very lonely I am
