I spent most of the night thinking I hated you.
I thought about how you used your time. How you were able to stretch yourself to the extremes for others, commit your time so completely into other things and yet couldn't find a few hours to give to me. It was ironic that in this time of thinking I hated you I realized how much I loved you. I put so much energy into trying to connect with you. I gave you my time and my consideration, I lent you the resources of my mind and body. You, more than most, received the weight of my love and that effort was never reciprocated. Your words of love were empty, bait for trap ruse to keep my attention. I chased after you, I thought you were better than me. I recognized our similarities and I assumed where we differed, you were superior. I saw the same calouse manipulative carelessness I displayed and, in an effort to accept the way I was, deemed you better for displaying it at such a higher degree. Your ego is far too large to expect you to care. You use people, you accept whatever a person can give and still expect more. You've lived a life where there is no rock bottom, no severe consequences for the way you are, a life that lets you hold such little value for others with no repercussion. You feed off of the validation of others who too confuse your lack of acknowledgement as evidence of your superiority. You allow them to give you things, to sacrifice for you, to connect with you all while cementing the fact that their own worth is exponentially inferior to your own. Your narcissistic tendencies and inflated self importance tie, in an almost incompatible way, to the fact that, as little as you care for others veiws, you don't care for yourself either. I spent most of the night thinking I hated you then I understood that you represented everything I was before I realized I needed to evolve. What I thought was superiority was just the sickness I saw in myself and as I changed and decided to improve, you stayed the same. I don't mean I changed to say that I'm better, I'm still broken and maybe my changes will hurt me, leave me weaker and more vulnerable. While I tried to build my relationships, to open myself up and be honest and forthcoming, you continued to lie, to manipulate others veiws, to leech, to not care. What I thought was hatred was an aversion, almost like an allergic reaction, to what I used to be. Emotions that steer towards the spectrum of negativity all find roots in denial. Things that annoy, anger, or infuriate you are simply things that you wish were different, things that you don't want to accept into your reality. As my entire being was repulsed by what you represented and who I had been I realized I didn't hate you, I pitied you. I was disgusted by you, and what is disgust but pity in it's most extreme form, and what is pity but the admission that you never want your existence to reflect that upon which you look down on. I hope that when people begin to notice who you are that you have time to change it. I hope that people don't see you how I do. I hope that you learn that connections that are worth keeping need to be nurtured by all parties involved. I hope you learn that your importance doesn't come from your perceived superiority it comes from those who value you. You should cherish those who treasure your exsistence. Once everyone decides to care as much as you do, you're going to be alone. And you won't survive.
