Frank Sanders is a nationwide syndicated columnist who dispenses his “hillbilly wisdom” to any who will listen. Frank works as a painter and sometimes graveyard landscaper in Beckley WV.
Dear FrankOur small church here in Winchester Virginia has a very generous volunteer director. His wife is also a very talented soprano singer for the church choir. She has had many write-ups in the local papers and is becoming a local “star.” I feel I am just as talented, if not more so. The problem is that she often purposely sings louder than everyone else, hogging the limelight and taking all the credit for all of our hard work. I don’t want to say anything for fear that her husband may pull out all of his contributions to the church, cutting off many services to our parishioners. What should I do?
Amanda in Winchester
Dear Amanda,
That’s a tough spot you’re in. I know what it’s like to come up against a foe. When I was a young man in southern West Virginia, I was courtin’ a woman when I came into a mess of trouble.
You see her daddy didn’t like me. Now, the problem was, whatever her daddy said, she would do. If he didn’t approve of me, I’d be standin’ out in the cold in my underbritches, so to speak. To test my worthiness for his fine daughter, he challenged me to a squirrel huntin’ contest. While in this competition, I was deep in the woods huntin’ this big ol’ black squirrel that I could just imagine looking up at me from a barbeque spit, when I heard a rustlin’ in the leaves and bushes around me. I didn’t pay it no mind as I continued trackin’ that delicious rodent. Suddenly I stopped and my eyes became the size of dinner plates as a dozen or so squirrels lunged from the bushes to attack, knocking me over. One of the squirrels stopped to look at me and slapped the corncob pipe from my mouth and ran away. I knew I was in a heap of trouble because I was sure that I was gonna come away from them woods empty-handed.
Anyway, as good of a shot as I am, her daddy was the best I’d ever seen. I knew I was “damned if I do and damned if I don’t.” If I outdid him (which didn’t seem possible as the squirrels had done lost their fear of me), he’d be embarrassed and hate me. If I didn’t get more squirrels than him, he’d think I wasn’t good enough to provide for his fine daughter. I did what anyone would do in the same situation. I smacked him in the back of the head with the butt of my gun when his back was turned, took his sack of squirrels, and then told him that a tree fell on him. When he asked why I was holding his sack of squirrels, I was able to convince him that he was still confused from the blow to his head. How did it turn out? Well, I’m married to the jewel of Beckley, WV.
But about your situation, Amanda: talk with her husband and come to an understanding that all of you choir gals should be given equal attention. If that don’t work, spread some vicious gossip about her. That’ll sure turn the heads of some of the blue hairs of the church. Results is all that matters.
Sincerely,
Frank
