It is cold and so is he. It has been years since his friend went but not yet.
“If I ever get cancer I will shoot myself.”
“I don’t believe you.”
He’s cold now and he was cold then. He grew up in the north but the temperature did not bother
him and he felt cold inside.
“Believe what you want but I will kill myself.”
“It is hard to tell when you’re kidding. You seem fine now.”
“But then…isn’t now.”
He knew then that suicide was his friends fate but he did not care because he seemed happy now. Now was all that mattered.
He was a beanpole because that was all he ate. He wished he could eat meat chicken and fish but he couldn’t stomach it. He felt too much.
“Then why not do it now. Right in front of my face.”
“Because I’m not ready.”
“So you want me to hear about it second-hand?”
“Yes.”
“You son-of-a-bitch”
“I’ve told you all about my mother”
“That is no way to talk about her.”
“I try not to.”
“I know.”
The reality sunk in for Jerry. His buddy was basically gone already, so he enjoyed his company. This moment would be a regret for his life but not really.
You see, his friend was born to die and he needed someone to witness how tragic it was. Jerry was lucky enough to be the one.
“What do you hope to learn from dying that you cannot from living?”
“Nothing.”
“Then why die anyway?”
“Because I haven’t yet.”
“Point taken and acknowledged.”
A moment of silence passed and it was for both of them. They would both eventually die. One sooner than the other.
“My life to this point has been grand and I do appreciate your company but everyone dies and I’m glad I knew you.”
“Right back at you.”
“I just don’t see me being me in twenty years or ten or five or one more day.”
“I don’t either.”
“If you feel it coming, don’t try to stop me.”
“I won’t.”
“I know.”
“Is that why you are telling me?”
“No.”
“Then why are you?”
“Because you care.”
They looked at each other and felt a mutual respect. No sadness.
Jerry knew it was his friend’s fate, he was destined to take his own life. He knew it the first time he saw him and that was one of many reasons he wanted to be his friend. Jerry would never stop his friend from doing anything.
It was cold and so was he but that is how it had always been.
“Don’t look for answers because I won’t leave any.”
“I know. There aren’t any.”
Silence except another beer bottle being popped and more silence.
“You can’t help me.”
“I know.”
“It is how it is.”
That is why they were friends. They didn’t have to say anything. And when they did…it was redundant. This whole conversation was superfluous.
“Is that why we are both sitting on the edge of a twenty story building?”
“Yes but you aren’t killing yourself tonight are you?”
“Never.”
“Good.”
“But I will and I don’t want you to be surprised.”
“I won’t.”
Another beer being popped.
“You’re drunk you won’t even remember this conversation in the morning.”
“Probably not. I never do.”
“I know.”
“I won’t tell anybody.”
“I know.”
“What don’t you know?”
“What is going to happen.”
“Neither do I.”
“That is why you are my friend, you’ll at least admit it.”
“I know.”
"What don’t you know?”
“How you and I are going to die.”
“Neither do I and why did you have to say it?”
“To validate my existence.”
“Since when did you start caring about validation?”
“Since I felt the gravity of the situation. Unfortunately you will feel gravity and I will just leave it a floating pain-filled soul.”
He pushed his friend off the sill, finished his beer, went home, went to bed and his dreams turned blue.
