i often think what life would be like if i was normal
if i had that perfect child hood
my lifes filled with
“what if’s”
“what if’s”
my feelings are covered up by drugs and alcohol
i learned how to ignore the pain on my own
never needed anyone by my side
nor did i ever set aside my pride
what if my mom never died?
what if my dad never got caught up in the acts of crime?
what if i was raised to love cops instead of hating them?
all i ever think when im alone is “what if”
my thoughts go racing every night
i sit in my room alone up all night
telling myself everythings going to be alright
telling myself everythings going to be alright
telling myself you’ll meet someone that’ll take your mind off of things
they never come
i feel as if im supposed to be dead
as if god wants me to put a bullet threw my head
but every time i get close, something tells me no
could it be you mom?
then i realize no she’s gone
now im over it and im calm
but damn what if it was my mom?
she sees me as i attempt these attempts
she sees me as i snort these lines
to numb the pain
or pop the one thing that killed her
i often wonder does she still love me
does she still want me?
or even if she misses me
what if she never fiend
what if she never left that night
what if she woulda listen to my beg and plead
i was on my knees
"mom please don't leave"
maybe i could have saved her
maybe i could have
i don’t blame her
as the years went on i finally understand
why she’d popped a xan
now i see them for what they truly are
there the devil
on every level
and damn in the end
i still fucked with them
