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Past the Point...

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I was there online trying to get some work done. Trying desperately to get caught up after the last few days. The days had been filled with loud retching and heaving as my stomach violently gave me back all my gluttony. The virus slapped me and owned me.

The doctor in the emergency room was not the most comforting:

"You still have to get some fluids into you, Ms Deeceena," he sputtered. (Thinking in my head, my name is pronounced Da-sin-ah, doc.) Despite my glare he continued,"I'm giving you a prescription for Phernegen and get you started on an I.V. Then you can go home and get some rest." Again in my head I thought, yeah why didn't think of that? I'll just go home and ignore the housework, the phone, and my three kids to "rest".  I was being bitter but I just didn't care. I had been puking my guts out for three days...

So now here I was with six hours of medicine in me and the kids finally in bed. I thought I could at least check my email. I sign in but forget to hide my status. And I see him...yeah, he is on. He has himself marked as busy. I was glad he was hiding as I really felt horrible and didn't want to talk. We were that new messed up version of "friends". As he liked to put it, we were not making any promises because he didn't know where his life was going. I said okay. I wasn't looking for anything either. We will just be friends. And then he starts drunk texting....always a bad thing. And I gave in. Yeah, that was my fault. I started to like him. I knew it was a bad idea.  But he got more demanding and expectant. It was getting to the point where I had stop saying hello when I got online.

So I finished what I had to do. It had been thirty minutes and he was now invisible. Oh well, saved me the headache. I needed to go to bed and try to get some sleep. Still had school in the morning and to get back to work. Then it happened.....that sickening BUZZ!

"R u der?" he typed. Of course I'm here as my status had been available for the last half hour. He typed again,"Hello?". 

"Hi," I reluctantly answered.

"How r u?"

"Been sick the last few days. How about u?"

"Drunk and high."

"From what?" I asked already knowing the answer.

"Beer,wine, n cannabis." He put a smiley face.

"Ur gonna have one hell of a hangover," I retorted. I felt queazy at the thought of the three together.

"I want to get off and go to bed."

"I guess I will leave you to that then," I then typed a smiley face. "Have a good night."

"I thought we had an understanding?????" And he put that many question marks.

Understanding huh? Yes, we had an understanding that we were just friends. Friends care if your sick. Friends ask how your day was because they want to know. Friends don't ask you to help rub one out for them when they are stoned and drunk and have no one else. I wanted to tell him all those things. Instead I typed", Um, no, sorry for the misunderstanding. Gotta go. TTYL."

I signed out. Then I watched Skype pop up with his account. Oh I see, he had a back up. I was bitter and I was past the point of being apologetic about it. I was angry...not at him. Not at being sick. At my damn self! Why in the hell would I choose this? Being alone and settling for some pseudo-romance, settling for my life in general. Angry that I was sick and it was on me...the adult. No one was coming to nurse me back to health.

I had to make a quick dash to the bathroom. The final wave of nausea punched me in my stomach but nothing came out. My body spasmed and shook. I slowly knelt down. Then I settled my head against the coolness of the porcelain and closed my eyes. My tears burned down my cheeks. But I was past the point of trying to control the pain. I just let the sobs come. I didn't even want to be around me.

 

 

Comments (2)

This comment was minimized by the moderator on the site

I can totally relate to this piece... sometimes we don't listen to that voice that's asking us "Why in the hell would I choose this?" Good job putting it down in words

wickedwahine_69
This comment was minimized by the moderator on the site

Thanks...it was actually a hodge-podge and semi-autobiographical. I wasn't sure if it even really came together. Glad you liked it.

grunfruaorshell
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