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Dear Topher,

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It's been a while. Today was your birthday and I thought about you. Whether or not you went out maybe your wife made you a cake or your kids gave you a card. I'm sure you had a good day you always made it a point to have a good time on your birthday. You know this year our kid would have been 11 on the 11th of April? It would've been his/her golden birthday. The 11th was hard for me this year. Really fucking hard. I cry just mentioning it. I regret not having that baby. It was the right choice, shit I was only 17, but I will always be filled with sadness every time I think about it. Every time. I still regret a lot that happened between us. I'm still heartbroken. Even after all these years. Even after forgiveness, and moving on, even after finding love. I want you to know that I am not writing you this letter because I want you back. I don't. Maybe it's just my way of getting you off my mind. I have a life to lead now, that does not include you, by any means, and I am happy with it! But... I find myself in the car, driving to work and 311's "Love Song", Al Green, some old school R&B, NWA, Indigo Girls's "Romeo and Juliet"... some song that makes me think of you will start playing... and I... well I.... I get swept up in old memories. Good and bad. And I'm fucking sick of you living in my heart, honestly. You were my soul mate. I loved you. Shit maybe I still do in some fucked up way. And I've tried to let you go, tried to evict you from my spirit... and maybe it's because you were my first love, my first lay, my friend for 10years, my common-law, my partner in crime... or maybe it's just because you never wanted me like I wanted you, and I'm a glutton for punishment. Even if it's in my own head. I'll never forget those words "You know I'm not gonna marry you right?" Ya I knew that. And on more than one occasion you threw me away. Of course, I was wild... teens don't leave home at 14 if they are straight arrows! I was wild and I had no direction, but I was a good girl. I was smart. Shit I was even pretty. But why? I guess that's the question that I have left... Why? Why didn't you love me the way I loved you? Why did I have to travel 3000 miles away to meet someone who loved me right, just to have you try and take me back? Why couldn't you have loved me when I needed you to? Instead of after it was too late? Why?-Do you ever think about what it could have been like with us? I have. I'm almost positive it would've turned out ugly. One of us in jail... the other one dead... haha... hahahahahaha ;) That makes me laugh. Only because it's probably true. Ha. I know this will never find you. Because I have no intention of sending it. I'm happy now. You know I'm married with a kid. I know you are too. I don't know Chris. If I had you on the phone we'd talk for hours. I'd make you come see me in the middle of the night... this is why I don't call. I'm leaving you know. Finally leaving the CO for good. My flight leaves August 30th and I have no intention of ever coming back. Maybe that's why I've grown so fuckin' sentimental. When I left before I had no reason not too. You know. You bought my bus ticket. No, this time I'm doing it on my own terms. And I wish you could see me now. No, no I don't. Playing with fire, that's what that is. Look... I know I'm never gonna forget you. And I know you won't forget me either. Just... could you try to stay out of my head? My heart too? I'm tired of being heartbroken, tired of thinking of you when I'm trying to live my life in the present. Not the past. And maybe that's the whole of it. I wish you were here. That I could've had this "happy" life with you. Whew! I have got to stop crying! lol. Alright I'm done. This is it. No more soppy me. Heard a good sheep joke lately? Where does virgin wool come from? Ugly sheep!!! Hahahaha... remember me like that k. Strong and laughing and full of sheep jokes ;) I wish you a happy life. I'm sure I'll see you in the next one. Maybe we can get it right next time... alright... bye.

Comments (2)

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Real, raw, and beautiful.

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Thx. Sometimes it helps to just put it out there...

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