Does looking for a job suck or do you?Isn’t that what looking for a job all boils down to? Hi I’m Matt “Could’ve Been a War Hero” Martin and if you are anything like me looking for a job is a dare to see how long you can last on the market before you turn to drink, sign up for food stamps, ask your friends, family and ex-girlfriends for just a few more bucks and ultimately take that job you swore you never would or move states to avoid local mob and embarrassment (West Virginia, here I come). It’s not until you are out from under your parent's wing and girls don’t find you cute anymore that you have to take desperate measures, like buying a stand at the flea market and selling miracle bracelets. Before we get to that point, here is my advice for how to spend your time finding a job.
I know what you’re thinking: What? Wait just a minute! Since when do I have to find a job? And you are absolutely right. I totally mean “look” for a job, which allows for breathing room anywhere between 24 hours to 24 lifetimes, depending on how good of a “looker” you are (Side note: The first 24 hours are a grieving period, the only thing you need to look for there is a cheap beer [please reference my article “How to Survive a Hangover” also on Hennen’s] to learn how to survive a hangover). The first thing to remember when looking for a job: Talk about looking for a job. Example: “I filled out TWO applications this week and still no response from either of them. Can you believe that? No one is hiring.” That’s how I respond to being asked if I am going to order anything, what movie I want to see, and will I pass the sun screen. Why answer this way? Because the government and those fat cats on Wall Street need to know how damn shitty they are making my life.
It’s no secret that looking for a job can lead to stagnation. Some of my friends have no problem surfing their debts on to their parents, friends or unappreciated taxpayers, holding out as long as possible until that desperation job comes trudging in, and by “some of my friends,” of course I mean my girlfriend and I. You see, we are too competitive for our own good, her and I, and how long we can go eating leftover top ramen and maintaining a relaxed schedule is the ultimate competition. The only losers are our “working” or “enslaved” friends as we call them. It’s shaving with aluminum can parts, trying to get hit and not killed by a passing car, and stealing my neighbor’s Netflix videos that make life interesting. Plus, a schedule of doing nothing is a tricky sense of pride when you are young; it’s bragging rights for how your day went versus your employed friends. Take this monologue that I share every day with my “gainfully employed” roommate. “What did I do all day? I logged five hours on Mario Kart 64, slept through two hours of Saved by the Bell, and watched my friend eat until he took pity on me let me have his last chicken nugget and French Fries [thanks Josh]. Oh, by the way, your alarm woke me up this morning, so let’s work on that.”
What? You got unemployment and are totally stoked? Good for you, that’s awesome! There are already several articles out there telling you how to bomb job interviews so you can keep that labor free cheddar shredding over your apartment. Where these articles go wrong is assuming that you will get an interview to begin with. There is an entire Step One of this equation well worth decimating before you show up to Target ready to nail that interview with your pant legs tucked into your socks, your tie or pigtail caught in your zipper, and nothing but a dictionary of profane, vulgar and sexually devious things to say. Yes, I am speaking of picking up the application and, trust me, only a fool would bother filling it out if you follow these simple guidelines.
Farting, burping, slapping random asses as they trot by, staring at the manager’s crotch and whistling “take me out to the ballgame” while they describe the job openings, all amateur moves to what I have for you. Let’s get you a law suit. Yes, getting hit by a car is good, falling down escalators is a little better, but discrimination suits are practically being given away. Did you know that a Hooters restaurant settled a sexual discrimination case in 2009 for rejecting a male waiter? Guys, Coyote Ugly is just sitting there! And girls, the next time you and your beer gut see an opening for an Elvis Impersonator gig, grab your blue suede shoes, some pomade, a tape recorder, and your lawyer’s business card, because Golden Coral is about to be free.
That's it for now. Thanks for playing along and remember, there are several people out there who play video games for a living.