Step 1: Wake up, find the three essentials: phone, wallet, and keys and leave the rest as a tip to a good evening, be it a pack of cigarettes, the half empty bottle of cheap vodka, and even your spare articles of clothing, socks, underwear, whatever. Shoes, pants, and a shirt are all you need for tip-toeing out the door. Your goal is to evacuate before anyone else has the chance to accuse you of anything or ask for a ride to their car which was probably towed or their house which could not be in more of an opposite direction of yours and not towards any decent, god fearing fast food. If the party was at your place, waste no time kicking people to the curb. Spray them, prod them, carry them out. If they don’t leave, you will never accomplish-
Step 2: Masturbate. The only thing that is acceptable to come between steps 1 and 2 might be eating breakfast, but only breakfast because there exist a small window of opportunity. Masturbate as soon as you get an opening in your schedule. It provides a little exercise, but not too much, and it can help you release the tension left over from a stale evening. I would also encourage having cartoons on in the background, just to get your mind working and adjusting to sight and sound. The naturally progression would be-
Step 3: Bathe. There will never be a better shower in your life than when you are aching from a hangover, but most importantly, it will give you time to reflect on the night before and you can try to piece together such important things as how you spent your money, how much of it you spent, why your cell phone smells like Oreos, who won at beer pong, and who may be looking for you. Leading us to Step 4.
Step 4: Do not answer your phone. If it’s work, your girlfriend, your friends, your dead uncle, or the police calling, keep that monster on vibrate at most and save your wonderful personality for another day. Today, you should attempt conversation only when you feel inclined. Work the world around your schedule. You deserve a day off. Plus if someone is angry at you, they will only be less angry or equally angry tomorrow.
Step 5: Eat. Be a total fatty, yet again, eating provides you with teensy weensy bit of exercise, but mostly it provides comfort and distraction from how shitty you feel. And it will allow you to better settle in to-
Step 6: Slumber. Sleep, wake up, look at the dog, check the time, turn on the TV, sleep through your show. That is all you need to do today. Can you believe that in this modern world of ours there are certain people who go to work hungover? Does the Jewish community work on the Shabbos? No. They don’t even go bowling. I’m still getting over the fact that some college students have jobs, much less feel obligated to attend to them. I mean, you are not working at NASA. You are not going to pull our troops out of Iraq. Hell, you probably won’t even donate money to charity. Tell Olive Garden to chill the fuck out.
Step 7 (only if it’s a Sunday): Do homework…wait, that word hurts my head.
Step 7: Think about doing homework, much better. Where would homework be without a solid foundation to build on? Take a second or two to think about when you are going to go to the library or who you can get the answers from. If this proves to be too much, take a minute, smoke a smoke, and forget about this rule or writing that concluding paragraph that most people have come to expect.