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How to Survive a Hangover

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There are certain rules that one must follow to survive a hangover. Hi my name is Matt “Graduating College Sucks” Lawson and I am the one person in America who did not like the 2009 film Hangover because I found that its idealized portrayal of a hangover as a cathartic and spiritual journey was the biggest load of crap ever since Juno convinced some 16 year old tramps in Gloucester that teen pregnancy is "in."  This year, more than any other year, juveniles and soon to be college dropouts are reaching for hangover glory, only to find themselves hugging the steps of an all night deli and using their vomit as a pillow. I am here to remind you that the greatest feat that one can hope to accomplish while hungover is survival. The following are my rules for how to survive a hangover or as my friends call it, a good night.

Step 1: Wake up, find the three essentials: phone, wallet, and keys and leave the rest as a tip to a good evening, be it a pack of cigarettes, the half empty bottle of cheap vodka, and even your spare articles of clothing, socks, underwear, whatever. Shoes, pants, and a shirt are all you need for tip-toeing out the door. Your goal is to evacuate before anyone else has the chance to accuse you of anything or ask for a ride to their car which was probably towed or their house which could not be in more of an opposite direction of yours and not towards any decent, god fearing fast food. If the party was at your place, waste no time kicking people to the curb. Spray them, prod them, carry them out. If they don’t leave, you will never accomplish-

Step 2: Masturbate. The only thing that is acceptable to come between steps 1 and 2 might be eating breakfast, but only breakfast because there exist a small window of opportunity. Masturbate as soon as you get an opening in your schedule. It provides a little exercise, but not too much, and it can help you release the tension left over from a stale evening. I would also encourage having cartoons on in the background, just to get your mind working and adjusting to sight and sound. The naturally progression would be-

Step 3: Bathe. There will never be a better shower in your life than when you are aching from a hangover, but most importantly, it will give you time to reflect on the night before and you can try to piece together such important things as how you spent your money, how much of it you spent, why your cell phone smells like Oreos, who won at beer pong, and who may be looking for you. Leading us to Step 4.

Step 4: Do not answer your phone. If it’s work, your girlfriend, your friends, your dead uncle, or the police calling, keep that monster on vibrate at most and save your wonderful personality for another day. Today, you should attempt conversation only when you feel inclined. Work the world around your schedule. You deserve a day off. Plus if someone is angry at you, they will only be less angry or equally angry tomorrow.

Step 5: Eat. Be a total fatty, yet again, eating provides you with teensy weensy bit of exercise, but mostly it provides comfort and distraction from how shitty you feel. And it will allow you to better settle in to-

Step 6: Slumber. Sleep, wake up, look at the dog, check the time, turn on the TV, sleep through your show. That is all you need to do today. Can you believe that in this modern world of ours there are certain people who go to work hungover?  Does the Jewish community work on the Shabbos? No. They don’t even go bowling. I’m still getting over the fact that some college students have jobs, much less feel obligated to attend to them. I mean, you are not working at NASA. You are not going to pull our troops out of Iraq. Hell, you probably won’t even donate money to charity. Tell Olive Garden to chill the fuck out.

Step 7 (only if it’s a Sunday): Do homework…wait, that word hurts my head.

Step 7: Think about doing homework, much better. Where would homework be without a solid foundation to build on? Take a second or two to think about when you are going to go to the library or who you can get the answers from. If this proves to be too much, take a minute, smoke a smoke, and forget about this rule or writing that concluding paragraph that most people have come to expect.

Comments (9)

This comment was minimized by the moderator on the site

I'm must say after reading several of your comments on others, I was expecting that excitement up front that punch or something to help me get to end of your piece, but I'm disappointed. This almost seems like you were streaming. I think this has...

I'm must say after reading several of your comments on others, I was expecting that excitement up front that punch or something to help me get to end of your piece, but I'm disappointed. This almost seems like you were streaming. I think this has the potential to be funny with a little work.

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We will agree to disagree Vangoman I enjoyed this and loved the line "tell Olive Garden to chill the fuck out"

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I wrote this back when I was in college came across it over the weekend, thought it was funny. I will say that writing comedy is very dificult. After rereading it, I agree that something is missing, I know what it is and will work on changing it...

I wrote this back when I was in college came across it over the weekend, thought it was funny. I will say that writing comedy is very dificult. After rereading it, I agree that something is missing, I know what it is and will work on changing it one day, unfortunately not many places are actively publishing material like this that I know of. Try your hand at comedy sometime. It is very difficult to do and do well.

<br> In my opinion, this is the type of piece where you are either going to like the idea and read on or easily write it off. I am not offended either way. The only option of a "punch" in something like this, a list essentially and not a story, is the topic itself. They also make a great exit sign. HAHA

Matt Lawson:
"Though I may sound mean,
I may be right."

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Chill homegirl(ha ha) I was looking for the hook eric was telling me about earlier, I didn't feel it had that hook to keep me riveted to it. and like I said I see the potential in the piece, this could be quite funny, so I guess will agree to...

Chill homegirl(ha ha) I was looking for the hook eric was telling me about earlier, I didn't feel it had that hook to keep me riveted to it. and like I said I see the potential in the piece, this could be quite funny, so I guess will agree to disagree (unless u want me to change my mind, (ha ha).

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You know I love you, but my first thing is to take a good piss and find something to drink. Second was always trying to figure out who was laying beside me and if I wanted to wake her or run

This comment was minimized by the moderator on the site

Well hey, Dream Tickler. Your response is poetry itself. "Trying to figure out who was laying beside me and if I wanted to wake her or run," you are giving me the vapors!
<br> <br>
Post something soon!!

This comment was minimized by the moderator on the site

its been a long while since i have written. my insperation moved to north carolina

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Very nice. Although I agree with Vangoman... ish. It's a hangover, no doubt about it, and it's funny, just feels like it needs more absurd "Steps" that everyone relates to.
Wait, did I even make sense there?

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Thanks for the comment. However, in my intro I tried to explain that I did not like the hangover because it was SO absurd. I wanted to portray a more realistic hangover experience. It can't all be missing teeth, marying strippers, wrestling...

Thanks for the comment. However, in my intro I tried to explain that I did not like the hangover because it was SO absurd. I wanted to portray a more realistic hangover experience. It can't all be missing teeth, marying strippers, wrestling tigers.
<br> <br>
Matt Lawson:
"Though I may sound mean,
I may be right."

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