Side One:It wasn't that we didn't love each other. In fact... it was love at first sight. When we met instinctively I knew that we were meant to be together. After only one date we both knew that marriage would be in our future. And six months ago it became a reality. I thought that this would satisfy me completely, and for a while it did. The life that I had led previous was filled with carnal desires. The need to be aroused sometimes consuming my mind when I should've been concerned with living my life. I thought that it would disappear when love entered my life. I was wrong. Soon I was lying, cheating and stealing. All so that I could have my fix. Whether it be dirty movies when you were at work, porn sites on the computer, or strip clubs when you thought I was elsewhere, I could never get enough. The way that the women would spread their legs, showing their pussy's... all shaved and ready to be fucked. The satisfaction of watching come being spread over a chick, with a girl next door, kinda face. All while she moaned with pleasure. The ramming of a big fat cock, in the ass of a bitch that was begging for it. I needed all of this. I would masturbate every chance I got. Coming hard. Like dope... only a high that lasted for seconds. But keeping in the grips of my addiction, always wanting more. NEEDING more. Taking away what I had given to you when I said I do. We would have sex. Sure. But compared to what I was experiencing on my own, our love making was at best... reserved. And then you started to catch on. There was the one time when you found me passed out with my pants around my ankles. DVD still in the player. I knew that I had hurt your feelings. You went apeshit. Breaking the movie and swearing that you would leave! If this is what I wanted. I told you no. That it was just something I did out of boredom and that you were what made me happy. I know that you were snooping when you found them but all the same they were there. And again you asked me if it was my hand that I should've married instead of you. I must explain you see. It isn't an emotional thing that I have with these images and actions that I hunger for so much. It controls me. I would never have subjected you to my deepest fantasies, because they are perverted in nature and you would've thought of me as a freak. As a pervert. And I have always had the freedom to be sexual, raunchy, and nasty. I haven't ever had to care who it affected. And now it is what it is. I pushed it over the edge this last time. I thought for sure that you would never find out. I thought that I could keep this secret until I could find a way to control this beast of addiction. You found out that I was going to the strip club. This was treason. And rightly so. Being married revoked my right to have intimate relations with anyone else besides you. But I thought that I was doing just that. That I was watching and talking. I wasn't taking anyone home. I wasn't falling in love with someone other than you. I was just satisfying my needs that I was so ashamed of. Ashamed enough not to tell you about any of it. And now our marriage has crumbled. I don't know if there is a way to save it. Probably not. Because I don't know if I can stop.
Laying there next to you, watching you stare up at the ceiling for so long. I knew you were deep in thought. It had finally come to this. How could you have expected me to turn a blind eye? Did you even realize how hard it was for me? To have to confront you? Do you know the courage it took? To say to your face... Enough! To have to admit to my own feelings of inadequacy? Asking myself, again and again. What was it about me that drove you somewhere else? What was I missing? I thought I was your everything! Have you EVER touched me, without thinking of a scene from some nasty ass porn? You know, sitting here staring at you, watching your frown, you are so... gorgeous. How could someone so gorgeous, be so fucking twisted inside? So fucking dirty and repulsing. With no respect for me! No respect for us... no respect for yourself. How am I supposed to love you now? There is an insurmountable chasm between us, that YOU put there! And then, when you vehemently rejected therapy! I knew we were done. Fuck you! You've said that you love me so many times, yet you seek intimacy with strangers! Fucking STRANGERS! Not me! Not the person you married! Not the one and only... the one and only... that you said I was. I didn't put those words in your mouth! Did I? Or did I? Would I have seen this person, the real you, emerge, if I wouldn't have fallen so hard for you? Oh. I've seen what you watch. I've been tempted to watch them too. Your collection. But I cannot fathom what they have... that I don't. I am heartbroken. I don't want you near me. You'll regret all of this later, when I'm gone. But even if you don't... I can't live like this. I REFUSE to live like this. I'm leaving for good. I don't love you, I don't trust you. I don't love you. Not anymore.
"So is it really over then?"
"I think it's going to have to be"
"But... I love you!"
"Well you should have thought about that before you decided that porn sites, and strip clubs were where you wanted to spend your time!"
"I didn't mean to hurt you"
"Yeah, well... you did."
"But I told you that I'll try to change!"
"Try? Seriously? You think that I should trust you to try?! To even want to try?"
"Come on honey... please?"
"I can't do it... I just can't. This is not what I pictured when I married you."
"But I love you!"
"I love you too. But I refuse to live my life like this."
"Just give me a chance!"
"No. I can't. I did that once already and you just got more secretive. I can't be married to a liar."
"You're breaking my heart."
"No,you broke my heart. You broke it into a million pieces, and I am reclaiming what a can carry and I'm leaving you. I hope that you are happy with your movies, your tricks, and your strip club! I hope it makes you as happy as I had wanted to make you when I married you"
"No! Please don't go, I can't live without you!"
"And you also can't live without satisfying that sick fucking pervert that lives inside of you! I've had enough. I'm done. This is goodbye."
And with that Jack packed a duffle bag with just enough clothes and personal items that he thought he would need to make it through the week. He was going to stay with his brother until he could find an apartment as far away from her as possible. He didn't want her to know where he was going because he knew in his heart that she would try to make him forget her betrayal against his heart and trust. And if he gave her another chance it was bound to turn out the same way. All he had wanted from the beginning was to be enough for her. She had shown him that it wasn't possible, and he had to leave now before he wasted any more of his life. He took one last look at her. The woman he had loved so blindly. Tears streaming down her face. He knew that it wasn't him she was crying for... but the loss of having her cake and eating it too. He would never look at women the same again. This experience had changed him forever.
"Goodbye Jessica. I will send over divorce papers as soon as I can have them drawn up"
And then he was gone.