As I prepare myself to go, I think to myself, what the fuck am I doing here? I am so better than this. To top it all off, I have to work with the new girl, whom I knew would be ready to cry and find a new place to work after tonight. It's always a joy to work with incompetent people.
I fill all the orders, clean up the area, and begin to walk back to the prep area to refill the product. Becky said to me, “What the hell is wrong with you tonight? You don’t look or act like yourself.” I replied, "Remember how I asked to have the night off on Thursday so that I could rearrange some things in the apartment to show my sister our new place? She never answered her phone or showed up. Makes me a little pissed off but yet worried at the same time." She replied, "Yeah, that's odd of your sister. She is very good with keeping dates and what not. Call her in a little bit to see what was up." Responding with a fake smile I said, "My dad is going to go down and check on her in a little bit for me, he has been meaning to go down and visit anyways."
The phone rang just then, and Becky disappeared to answer it.
Becky came around the corner a few seconds later, looking like a ghost. I'm say with surprise, "What the hell is your problem, who died?" She replied as nicely as she possibly could, "Your sister. I'm so sorry but she's gone. Your dad found her a few minutes ago in her bedroom."
I couldn’t breath as my newly lit cigarette fell to the floor. I collapsed and started screaming, "What the fuck? I hate you god! Why did you take her from me! Why? I fucking hate you!" Trying to calm me down, a coworker came in the room, and asked me what was wrong. Distraught, I shout, "Get the fuck away from me, you fucking whore!" She immediately started to cry and ran out of the room.
I called my boyfriend to tell him what happened but their was static on the phone and being hysterical, he couldn’t understand me. I left work and headed for my dad’s house.
Arriving there I found my stepmother at the front door and my twin sister Jen. She grasped me and pulled me into her arms and drenched me with tears and I the same with her. I said with resolve, "Okay, let’s go. I want to see her now. Get in the car Jen."
My stepmother grabbed my arm and said, "I don't think you need to be seeing her like this." Is this how you want to remember her?" I responded, "Do you want your last moments on this earth to be remembered by me stabbing you to death for touching me, you fucking stupid cunt? Let go of me now!" I heard the exhaust of my boyfriend’s car and the squealing of tire as he pulled into my dad's house. He yelled from the car, "Jen, Shell, I'm so sorry! Get your asses in the car and let’s go!"
We arrived at my sister’s house in 10 minutes even though it should have taken longer. I was shaking, couldn't even concentrate on walking, tripping up the damn walkway, until reaching the top door to the parlor. It was open. My sister and boyfriend behind me, I walked into the hallway about to enter my sister's bedroom where she lay lifeless, surrounded by police, EMTs and coroners.
I could feel the strength of a guy's arm fold around me and my feet come up off the ground as we begin to fall backward. I kick, scratch, and bite, not knowing who my preventer was. My brother screams at me, "Shell you are not going in there damn it! You don't need to see it!" I lose it on him, "If you don’t fucking let me go in there, I will make your body as lifeless as hers is!" He pulled me down to the ground and would not let me move. I'm screaming and crying the words, "I want to see her! She's my sister! Fuck you! You have no right to stop me!"
He didn’t give a shit but held me until our sister's body was removed from the residence. I immediately punched him in the face as soon as he let me go. Blood and tears running down his face, he said to me, "You will thank me one day," and turned and went outside.
I slid down the wall and sat in complete silence as my family tried to console me and tell me everything would be okay. "How can everything be okay," I screamed at them. "She was 26 years old for fuck's sake! There is no cause of death. I don’t freaking understand. God hates us! She was the most religious Catholic I met. She never missed a service and this is the thanks she gets! Whatever!"
My twin sister Jen grabbed me, and told me, "Here, take this." Not knowing or caring what it was, I popped the pill into my mouth and the next thing I remember is my boyfriend waking me up for the funeral. Going through the motions, I went to the viewing and what not, like a freaking zombie .... That night I drifted into sleep ... seven hours of just staring into space on the couch. I feel this light, cold hand touch my foot. I look up and see a vision of my dead sister standing in front of me, in the outfit I most remember her wearing. She said to me, "You must make peace, forgive. For in the future if you do not, you will lose him." I began to try to speak, and immediately woke up to a streak of light coming through the window, blinding the hell out of me.
A year or so went by and I'm standing in my living room. I get a call from my sister. "I'm having weird pains," she said through the phone. She continued, "I'm at the hospital, come up now!" I go immediately up to the hospital and wait for any news. My sister's husband approaches me and says they lost the baby's heart beat. My heart stopped, remembering the dream, vision, and premonition, whatever it was from a year before.
To be delivered on his exact due date, Zander, was stillborn. No cause of death.
Was I being warned to have faith? Could I have prevented this by believing?