A father is a figure that should
Have some respect
Both for himself and others
And shows it openly and without regret.
I never wanted a father replacement,
My true father I have,
But if you were to be there
I wanted to have someone in which
I could consistently rely on.
It’s so hard for me to picture you
As this respectable father figure
When your hands keep touching me
Between my neck and my knees
And all of the space between.
I wanted a semi-picture perfect family
But what I wanted never seem to matter.
No one ever seemed to care.
The neglect and disturbing behavior
Destroyed my emotions, replacing them
With my cold, empty stare.
We all have our secrets,
We all have our lies
No one was there to just hold me
Every single night that I cried.
No words of encouragement
Or anyone to tell me it
Would be alright.
Step father figure, it’s hard to see
You as a respectable man
When I know your thoughts
Spend time on how best
To put your hands on me.
The rough touches in the dark,
The snapping waistbands of pants,
The biting of my lip
To hide the feelings of disgust.
This pain inside turns to rage
I’d know you’d love
To lock me inside this dirty cage.
Protect your secrets, your perverted misery.
Did you ever stop to think
About what all this did to me?
All I wanted was a picnic
To go fishing, or to have a
Warm happy holiday.
All you could give
Was a warm hand
Pushed down into my pants
Leaving me to wonder
How long could this really last?
Just do it, get it over with
Finish removing my childhood
The parts that you missed.
Sex was taking it too far,
You wouldn’t dare.
You could fight and win
Against just my word.
But to leave the physical evidence
Of your nightly sin.
This wasn’t my fault,
No matter how long I carried that cross.
You took and took and took
And I lost and lost and lost.
I finally stopped believing what
You needed me to believe,
Even though you wear that mask
Of innocence and lies.
You took away my childhood,
You never cared.
You weren’t phased by my abnormal silence
Or the empty untrusting 9 year old eyes.
I’m stronger than you,
But you almost won.
I’m better than you
Because I would never do what you did.
How could you do that to a little kid?
It all happened and the scars
Affect my life, each and every day
All because you believe you didn’t
Doesn’t negate the price I pay.
You took something from me
That I’ll never get back
You took my self-respect
And my sense of security.
My trust is tarnished
My soul is stained
All the tears I’ve cried, were all in vain.
I’m not as empty as you hoped I would be.
I remember all that happened
With unnerving clarity.
The scars you made,
The innocence you stole and raped
Haunt my dreams and my waking life,
Because of you, to love will always be full of strife.
Who knows what kind of person
I could have grown to be
If you could have only kept
Your man-hands off of me.
You needed me to relieve
All of those insecurities
That you hid behind
Your taboo sexuality.
I never needed you for anything
Except for you to see me as a child,
Not some delight for your sexual dysfunction
Not some relief from your mental distortion.
You’ll never maintain the level of
Control of my body, my mind, or my soul
Because I’m no longer just 8 or 9 years old.
I’ve grown into my scars so well.
I’ve survived your life
I’ve survived my own hell.
I’ll survive the worst
I’ll survive the good,
but that doesn’t cancel out
that you should be suffering
instead of me.
I was the victim
Of your damned insecurity.