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Father Figure

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A father is a figure that should

Have some respect

Both for himself and others

And shows it openly and without regret.

 

I never wanted a father replacement,

My true father I have,

But if you were to be there

I wanted to have someone in which

I could consistently rely on.

It’s so hard for me to picture you

As this respectable father figure

When your hands keep touching me

Between my neck and my knees

And all of the space between.

I wanted a semi-picture perfect family

But what I wanted never seem to matter.

No one ever seemed to care.

The neglect and disturbing behavior

Destroyed my emotions, replacing them

With my cold, empty stare.

We all have our secrets,

We all have our lies

No one was there to just hold me

Every single night that I cried.


No words of encouragement

Or anyone to tell me it

Would be alright.

Step father figure, it’s hard to see

You as a respectable man

When I know your thoughts

Spend time on how best

To put your hands on me.

The rough touches in the dark,

The snapping waistbands of pants,

The biting of my lip

To hide the feelings of disgust.

This pain inside turns to rage

I’d know you’d love

To lock me inside this dirty cage.

Protect your secrets, your perverted misery.

Did you ever stop to think

About what all this did to me?

All I wanted was a picnic

To go fishing, or to have a

Warm happy holiday.

All you could give

Was a warm hand

Pushed down into my pants

Leaving me to wonder

How long could this really last?

Just do it, get it over with

Don’t hesitate

Finish removing my childhood

The parts that you missed.

Sex was taking it too far,

You wouldn’t dare.

You could fight and win

Against just my word.

But to leave the physical evidence

Of your nightly sin.

This wasn’t my fault,

No matter how long I carried that cross.

You took and took and took

And I lost and lost and lost.

I finally stopped believing what

You needed me to believe,

Even though you wear that mask

Of innocence and lies.

You took away my childhood,

You never cared.

You weren’t phased by my abnormal silence

Or the empty untrusting 9 year old eyes.

I’m stronger than you,

But you almost won.

I’m better than you

Because I would never do what you did.

How could you do that to a little kid?

It all happened and the scars

Affect my life, each and every day

All because you believe you didn’t

Doesn’t negate the price I pay.

You took something from me

That I’ll never get back

You took my self-respect

And my sense of security.

My trust is tarnished

My soul is stained

All the tears I’ve cried, were all in vain.

I’m not as empty as you hoped I would be.

I remember all that happened

With unnerving clarity.

The scars you made,

The innocence you stole and raped

Haunt my dreams and my waking life,

Because of you, to love will always be full of strife.

Who knows what kind of person

I could have grown to be

If you could have only kept

Your man-hands off of me.

You needed me to relieve

All of those insecurities

That you hid behind

Your taboo sexuality.

I never needed you for anything

Except for you to see me as a child,

Not some delight for your sexual dysfunction

Not some relief from your mental distortion.

You’ll never maintain the level of

Control of my body, my mind, or my soul

Because I’m no longer just 8 or 9 years old.

I’ve grown into my scars so well.

I’ve survived your life

I’ve survived my own hell.

I’ll survive the worst

I’ll survive the good,

but that doesn’t cancel out

that you should be suffering

instead of me.

I was the victim

Of your damned insecurity.

Comments (1)

This comment was minimized by the moderator on the site

Such a brave and empowered writing. You articulate the hurt and coming to terms with the anguish suffered as a child under the roof of a sexual predator. And you rhymed so well for such a painful subject matter. Well done!

Jennygirl
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