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Swimmer

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So long under the water

I've forgotten the light of day

So long under the water

I've forgotten what to say

So deep beneath the waves

My skin has peeled away

So deep beneath the waves

On the bottom I shall lay

The stones are heavy

Around my neck that you placed

The stones are heavy

With the rope tightly laced

The sea is so dark

As I swim the narrow path

The sea is so dark

Not much longer I will last

My lungs are about to burst

I can bear this pain no more

My lungs are about to burst

As I sink to the ocean floor

I cannot break the surface

As I give into my fate and my death

I cannot break the surface

Easier to drown than to fight for breath.

Comments (6)

This comment was minimized by the moderator on the site

I like this piece alot. I struggled with whether I should critique, because I know how delicate poems are; one word change and it can all just tumble like a house of cards. But I do want to say there are two instances where the rhyming scheme...

I like this piece alot. I struggled with whether I should critique, because I know how delicate poems are; one word change and it can all just tumble like a house of cards. But I do want to say there are two instances where the rhyming scheme seems a little forced. Line 16, perhaps 18. Then, roped to rope in line 12. Also consider changing "Tis" in the final line. I think the imagery in the piece is wonderful. Thanks for sharing, and reading my comment.

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a
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tis the fight for breathe which makes us human. i empathise entirely

elusiveworld
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Thank you Alberto...I struggled with the rhyme and rhythym of this poem and your suggestions are helpeful. And yes, 'roped' is a typo. I am one that firmly believes my writing needs to be critiqued and even challenged at times. It is the only way...

Thank you Alberto...I struggled with the rhyme and rhythym of this poem and your suggestions are helpeful. And yes, 'roped' is a typo. I am one that firmly believes my writing needs to be critiqued and even challenged at times. It is the only way to grow...

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grunfruaorshell
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Thank you. I wanted to show that living is more a struggle than just staying alive.

grunfruaorshell
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I like the idea behind this. I had to read it twice, but yeah, it works.

The_Unwanted
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Thank you

grunfruaorshell
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