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Patient in Room #484

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If only you could understand

 That life is bigger than you

If only you could see

 That death will come no matter what

Trapped inside ego

 Constantly battling for control

Never surrendering

 Repulsing even your own soul

Determined to be lost

 Not wanting to be found

Taking all of everything for granted,

 Screaming without sound,

Making life an impossible mission,

 A struggle so one-sided,

Fighting demons inside of yourself,

 With no-one to confide in,

All things cause pain,

 There is nothing that doesn't,

Happiness is worst of all,

 It makes you wish it wasn't,

Allowed to affect you,

 To touch you,

Make you human,

 Keep you real,

But that's not up to you,

 It's not your choice to make,

If you can't give a shit,

 At least it won't be fake,

Nonsense and drama,

 Wanting to die,

Death is elusive though,

 Enough to make you cry,

You are not the only one,

 And you are not alone,

But until you stop being blind,

 You cannot be shown.



Comments (5)

This comment was minimized by the moderator on the site

You did a great job of describing depression. From a technical standpoint, I also thought that it was a great piece and my favorite of yours so far. I have two suggestions which are perhaps stylistic in nature: 1) the "give a shit" line might...

You did a great job of describing depression. From a technical standpoint, I also thought that it was a great piece and my favorite of yours so far. I have two suggestions which are perhaps stylistic in nature: 1) the "give a shit" line might need to be replaced. I think that it is a logical choice because it is colloquial and natural but it is SO common now in daily discourse that it has lost much of its strength, a fresh expression might have more effect. 2)The next to last line which should be the most direct and simple because you're "going for the finish," seems wordy and therefore diluted. That's all from me, thank you for this poem!

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Joshua Hennen
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Effective pacing is what caught my interest right off the bat. The poem flows with a rhythm that is, dare I say manic? It's good to see a piece from you wicked.

a
This comment was minimized by the moderator on the site

Thanks guys I had forgotten that I wrote this at work one night and was pleasantly surprised when I found it. I too thought "give a shit" was too common of a saying to express the emotion I was trying to. But after reading it a second time I...

Thanks guys I had forgotten that I wrote this at work one night and was pleasantly surprised when I found it. I too thought "give a shit" was too common of a saying to express the emotion I was trying to. But after reading it a second time I realized it accomplished just that... the feeling of being worn out, flat, tiresome, repetitive, and lame... so I left it This is the only piece that I have written and submitted without edit... when I read it, it flowed for me, kinda Dr. Suess style... but when I was writing it, it felt chunky and lopsided. Almost manic Thanks for reading me! And super thanks for the input!

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wickedwahine_69
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I really like this poem. And as already said, it has good pace, and (personally) I think the 'If you can't give a shit' line works for me. That is the attitude of someone locked up in their with their own demons. I also really like the end lines...

I really like this poem. And as already said, it has good pace, and (personally) I think the 'If you can't give a shit' line works for me. That is the attitude of someone locked up in their with their own demons. I also really like the end lines too, they say exactly what is often needed to be said, but often ignored. Sometimes the first draft is perfect (as in this case), as it is hard to find that moment again.

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The_Unwanted
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Thanks Unwanted

wickedwahine_69
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